


Love and Destruction

by marececilys



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Jalec brotherly, M/M, Malec, Suicide mention, city of glass - Freeform, depressed jace, head canon, jalec - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 20:44:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4235982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marececilys/pseuds/marececilys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the battle with Valentine in City of Glass, Alec goes to visit Jace in the hosptial and the two have a converstion about Jace's destructive behavior.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love and Destruction

**Author's Note:**

> *Trigger warning for mention of suicide and depressive/self-destructive thoughts

     Jace woke up in what he suspected was the Idris hospital, surrounded by white walls and clean sheets. There were bandages around his chest and hands, though nothing hurt, and he knew the Angel had healed him of all physical injuries. Still half asleep, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. _He was alive. He had died and come back to life. Valentine was dead. Clary was not his sister. Max was dead._ _Sebastian was dead. He had killed him. He did not have demon blood_. All these thoughts ran through his head in a single moment. When he opened his eyes again, he realized he wasn't the only one in the room. 

     "Sleeping beauty finally awakens", Magnus said, standing up from the chair he'd been sitting in at the other side of the room.

     "Are you the prince that kissed me awake? Because no offense, but seeing how I don't remember it, it must not have been very good." Jace struggled to sit up in the bed as he talked. Though he wasn't in any physical pain, he felt insanely tired and it took a great deal of effort to move his body. He felt like his limbs were made of lead.

     "Believe me, if it was me, you'd remember", Magnus responded, "besides, _no offense_ , blondie, but you're not really my type. Oh, and I wouldn't try to move too much just yet", he added as he noticed Jace struggling, "the encounter with the angel took a huge toll on you. Physically of course, you're fine, but spiritually- Well, coming back from the dead isn't an easy recovery. Even for you."

     Jace took in Magnus's words slowly. "How many people...", he faltered, unsure how to phrase the question in his head, "How many know what happened? With me and... The Angel..." He wasn't sure how the Clave would respond to the whole angel story or if they would even believe it.

     "Clary told everyone that Valentine had attempted to summon the angel Raziel to rid the world of downworlders, and that she had stopped him. I think some of them suspect that the Angel had something to do with Valentine's death. But she only told a few people about what happened to you. Me, her mother, Luke, and I suspect Alec and Isabelle, though I don't know for sure. If you're asking if the Clave knows that you died and came back to life, the answer would be no. And I think you should try to keep it that way."

     Jace nodded, and then said, "Where is Clary? And Alec?"

     "I have no idea where Clary is, though I'd guess she's with her mother or Luke. She's not allowed to visit you here", he added, seeing the disappointment on Jace's face, "because she's not technically an adult or your family. The hospital here has strict rules."

      _Not my family.... Anymore_. Jace heard the unspoken word in that sentence. And even though he was beyond glad that Clary wasn't his sister, it suddenly felt as if nothing really tied her to him anymore. The thought gave him a mixture of emotions.

     "Alec, however", Magnus continued, "came by here a few times while you were sleeping. He's up at the Gard now at a meeting, but he should be finishing up soon."

     Jace, noticing the change in voice when Magnus said Alec's name, thought of something else. "So..." He said, "You and Alec..."

     Magnus grinned. "You haven't heard yet, have you? Of course you haven't, you've been too busy playing games of hooky with death and angels."

     "Playing games? I was stopping Valentine-" 

     Magnus waved his hand dismissively. "Whatever. Anyway, it turns out Alec has a flair for the dramatic. He kissed me," he said, then seeing the look of confusion in Jace's face, added, "in front of your parents. In front of everyone, actually. In the Accords Hall."

      Jace's looked at Magnus, shocked, a sense of pride for his parabatai growing in his chest. "Congratulations", he said finally, and Magnus grinned.

     As he started turning around to leave, he suddenly paused and looked back at Jace. "And there's one more thing", he added, "I almost forgot. Valentine's funeral. It's this afternoon. You can go if you like. He may not have been your biological father, but he was still your family. You have every right to mourn him with the rest of those who once loved him. I can send someone here to take you at three. If you want to go."

* * *

      Alec walked into the hospital elevator and pressed the button for the fourth floor where Jace was staying on. He had come straight from the Gard, after the Clave decided to have another impromptu meeting about what to do now that Valentine was dead and their promise to give downworlders seats on the council must be fulfilled. As usual, there was a lot of discussion about how the council member should be chosen and what the new policy should be, without any real progressive decision-making. Alec never said much at meetings, but he had noticed that ever since he'd kissed Magnus in the Accords Hall, people had been trying extra hard to pretend he didn't exist. Today he'd asked a question and only one person had acknowledged that they'd heard him. Despite that, Alec didn't regret what he'd done in the hall. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He finally didn't have any secrets.

     The elevator dinged and the doors opened, and he walked into the hallway and quite literally bumped into Jace, who was, judging by his wet hair and the towel on his shoulders, just coming out from the showers at the end of the hall. (For some reason the hospital didn't have showers in its individual rooms.) The sight of Jace- alive and awake, out of the threat of any immediate danger and not off somewhere trying to get himself killed, caused a mixture of emotions to flood over Alec. Relief that he was okay. Anger that he had gone off without telling him, again, with the intention that he wasn't coming back. Frustration unlike any he had ever known that no matter how hard he'd had tried to change his ways, Jace still never had any respect for his own life. Fear that he would go out and do it again, that the pain he'd felt on his parabatai rune when he thought Jace had died would not be the last time it happened. Before he could sort all of these emotions out and before he even realized what he was doing, he had grabbed Jace and pulled him into a fierce hug. Alec wasn't much of a hugger, and he couldn't remember the last time he'd embraced Jace with such ferocity. But Alec had had enough of the constant worrying and suppression of his emotions. He really didn't care what Jace or anyone else thought anymore.

     It wasn't as if he wasn't used to Jace almost-dying. He risked his life every damn day. All of them did. The difference was that Jace _wanted_ to. Alec sometimes thought he even wanted to die. And recently it had been much worse. The first thought that went through Alec's mind when he first felt that awful pang in his parabatai rune was that Jace had killed himself. And in a way, he had. It wasn't a knife to the wrists or a bullet to the head, but he had willfully gone out in search of Valentine, fully expecting to die in the process. It was something Alec wasn't sure he could ever forgive him for. He remembered the day before he left, right after Max had died, when Jace had been feeling especially dark. Alec recalled the conversation they'd had. 

 

     "Jace, what the hell is wrong with you? You keep saying things like you're cursed, like you'd be better of dead. It's scaring me. You can't talk like that. Whatever Valentine did to you, you're not a monster. Could you please just tell me what's going on?"

     Jace looked away from the window he was staring at and looked down at his feet. "I _am_ cursed", he said finally, not meeting Alec's eyes. "Valentine, he- well, you know what the Seelie Queen said, that me and Clary were experiments. I didn't believe her at first. I thought she was speaking in riddles. But it's true. Valentine experimented on me and Clary. With...blood. Clary has angel blood. It's why she can create new runes."

     "Okay", Alec said when Jace paused, "but I kind of already knew that. What about you? Did Valentine do.... What kind of blood did he give you?"

     Jace took a shaky breath and slowly looked up to meet Alec's eyes. "Demon blood", he said at last. "I have demon blood in me. It's why I'm cursed. Jocelyn had called her first child a monster. It's why I cause destruction on everyone I meet, on everyone I love. It's why I feel the way I do about... About Clary."

     Alec looked at Jace, astonished. How long had he believed this? How long had he been keeping this self-hatred inside him? "Is that what you think?" He said aloud, not knowing where to begin. "You're cursed because you have demon blood? That you love _Clary_ because you have demon blood?"

     "It's what I know", Jace resigned.

     Alec shook his head in disbelief. "You have got to be _kidding_ me. Jace, you are not evil. You are not a demon. Even if you have demon blood in you, so what? Warlocks are part demon. Most of them are good. You're just believing this stuff about yourself because you've been searching your whole life for a reason to hate yourself, and now you've finally found one. So now you can finally blame all of your problems and flaws onto one thing so you don't have to deal with the fact that you're just as human as the rest of us. Congratulations."

     Jace didn't say anything, and Alec had just begun to turn around and leave when he felt a hand on his shoulder. "You're right," he said, "I'm sorry. You really don't deserve to be parabatai with someone as careless and fucked-up as me."

     Alec sighed. "You really don't get it, do you? You're not fucked up, that's the point. You don't think I've ever caused pain on people I love?" He thought of Magnus, how he knew it hurt him that he kept denying their relationship to the people around them. "Pain comes with love," he said, "but that doesn't mean that pain is love, or vise versa. I know you think that to love is to destroy. And it's not your fault for thinking that. You loved Valentine, and you think he destroyed you. But he didn't. You don't automatically hurt people you love because you love them. People get hurt anyways, regardless of whether you love them or not. But the reason we love in the first place is because _it makes the pain bearable_."

     Alec wasn't sure where the words had come from, but he couldn't stop them once they started coming out. He could see Jace looking at him with the same empty expression and wondered if he'd heard him at all. He seemed to be lost in thought. After a while, Alec had left him like that. It had been the last time he'd seen him since he'd set off on his mission to kill Valentine, on his mission to die.

 

     Pulling away from Jace now, in the hospital hallway, Alec felt the same familiar rush of frustration and anger come over him. "What the hell were you thinking?!" He exclaimed. "I give you a lecture on what it means to be human and you run off on a suicide mission anyway. Without even _telling_ me", he said, his voice shaking with hurt now, "I would have gone with you. You know that. You- I-"

     "And you know that every person capable of fighting was needed here", Jace interrupted. "I would have been doing an inservice to everyone by taking you with me."

     " _But what about me_?" Alec shouted, "What about the inservice you were doing _me_? I _felt_ you die, Jace." His voice was really quavering now and he could feel tears stinging at the back of his eyes. "If you _ever_ die on me again, I swear on the Angel, I will _kill_ you, I don't care if you're already dead. Do you understand me? And don't you _dare_ laugh at me right now, I'm being completely serious." He added as he saw Jace try not to smile. Slowly, though, the lump of anger in his throat was beginning to dissolve.

     "Don't worry", Jace said, "I've learned my lesson. That whole dying thing? Totally not as cool as I thought." Jace looked him up and down. "Why are you here anyway? Magnus said you were at a meeting."  
     "We just finished", Alec said. "And speaking of, I want to talk to you about something. Can we go to your room?"  
     "Yeah, I've got some time. Come on."

* * *

 

     "So", Jace said once they had gotten back to his room, "Magnus told me what you did in the Accords Hall. I have to say, I didn't think you would be one to come out so extravagantly."

     Alec blushed profusely. "Magnus told you that?" He asked, but he didn't really sound mad. "I guess we all do things that are surprising sometimes."

     Jace thought about how he'd killed Sebastian by stabbing him in the back, how he had come so close to killing Valentine. Were those things he did surprising? He wasn't sure anymore.  
     "Anyway", Alec said, snapping Jace out of his reverie, "That's actually not what I wanted to talk to you about. At the Gard, someone said something that concerned me", he paused and studied Jace's face. "It's about Sebastian. They didn't find his body."

     Confusion shot up through Jace like a flare. "What do you mean, they didn't find his body? I killed him. I severed his spine and pierced his heart. I watched him die. There's no way he could have escaped."  
     "They think he might have disappeared into the river", Alec said slowly. "But to me that seems too... Hopeful. He had- he's the one with the demon blood. Who knows what he can do. And he's disappeared before, up at the Gard after he killed Hodge."

     "He wasn't _dead_ then", Jace pointed out.

     Alec shrugged. "Well, maybe they're right. Maybe his body did get carried away in the river."

     "Maybe", Jace said, but even he could tell he sounded doubtful. He cursed. "I should have stayed to make sure he was dead. I should have burned his body or cut him up into tiny pieces."

     "You can't blame yourself, Jace. I know it's one of your favorite things to do. But you can't this time. There's no way you could have known. Plus, you didn't have time. You had to go after Valentine." He said the last part slightly bitterly. "Which I still don't forgive you for, by the way. Not for leaving Sebastian, but for going off after Valentine in the first place like you did, all by yourself. You don't always have to be the hero, Jace. Or a martyr for that matter. The world doesn't rest on your shoulders. I know you think you're the only one who could have done what you did. Maybe you were. But you didn't have to do it alone."

     "I know", Jace said quietly. "Thanks for sending Izzy after me, by the way. I would have died if it wasn't for her."

     "I didn't send Izzy. She sent herself. I would have gone after you myself, and I almost did, but then the battle..." Alec shuddered and faltered off. Jace wondered, not for the first time, what the battle had been like. A part of him almost felt left out for missing it.

     "I don't blame you for not coming after me", Jace said. "You needed to be there." He thought for a minute about the alliance rune he'd heard Clary made. "So that... That rune thing that Clary did, the alliance of downworlders and shadowhunters... That really worked?" He could hear the awe in his voice. But of course it worked, he thought, this was Clary.

     "It was amazing", Alec said matter-of-factly. "I partnered with Magnus. It was like all of sudden I had five extra senses. I could use magic. I could manipulate the air around me. Things that no shadowhunter should be able to do, I did."

     Jace let that sink in. He knew Clary's power was amazing, and he wasn't surprised to hear what she could do. But hearing Alec talk about it filled him with a sense of wonderment and pride. Much like Alec's voice as he talked about what he could do with Magnus's powers.

     "Speaking of Magnus", Jace said, remembering that he had not properly congratulated his friend for his new relationship, "I really am happy for you. I watched you struggling for so long. I saw how happy Magnus made you. I saw how you kept denying it. It was extremely frustrating to watch."

     Alec flushed and smiled shyly. "You were right, you know, before", he said, looking at the ground. "About why I thought I felt the way I did about you. You were my excuse, because I knew what I wanted and thought that I didn't deserve it. And it was easy to project that onto you because I knew I would never have to deal with it, for many reasons. You were my parabatai. My adoptive brother. You would never feel the same way. And I would never have to come to terms with my feelings because they would never matter anyway. They would always be forbidden." The words were coming out of him very fast, like he couldn't stop. He took a breath, then continued.

     "But it was also easy to believe that I felt that way about you because I did- _do_ \- love you. Not in the way I thought I did. But you have always been a part of me, Jace. And you couldn't see that. You always thought you weren't worth loving. You pushed people away because you thought if you loved them, if they loved you, you would hurt them. You have always been so afraid of yourself. And I don't think I ever really realized it until now. I resented you for pushing me away, for pushing _everyone_ away. I resented you because you couldn't see how important you were to the people who cared about you. Because you kept trying to throw that all away, every time you willingly put your life in danger. It was _killing_ me, Jace. And then, in the battle, I felt it. In my parabatai rune. I felt as if a part of me had been ripped out, and I thought, he's finally done in. He's finally gotten what he's wanted for so long: self-sacrifice. Death. You think Valentine tainted you- with the blood he did or didn't put in you, with your upbringing. But Valentine didn't break you. You tried to do that to yourself. And you're still trying. _But I won't let you anymore_."

     Finally finished, he looked up into Jace's eyes. Jace stared into those blue eyes he knew so well, speechless. He wondered how someone could know him so well, how someone who normally stumbles on his words so much could say the exact thing he needed to hear without wanting to hear it. He knew there was no pretending anymore. He also knew it would be a long time before he fully believed everything Alec had said, that there would probably always be a part of him that still thought he was cursed by Valentine. But for the moment, all he felt was incredibly lucky that he had so many great people like Alec in his life.

     "Well", he said after what felt like an eternity. "I guess I better get ready then."

     "Ready for what?" Alec asked.

     Jace took a steady breath and looked out the window, to the smoke in the distance where they were already burning bodies. "For Valentine's funeral", he said.


End file.
